Navigating my Yearning for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership

Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, largely pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, but it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I start to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners again.

Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy

I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they appear demanding, frequently resulting in significant pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want another man to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.

Every person’s intimate path varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. One day you might meet someone offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires completely … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over the future and playing the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the worth of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist focusing on addressing intimacy issues.